Seriously, Mormons? Seriously?

In the last week I've had more interaction with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints than I've had in years. The learning curve isn't steep here, but there's a few things you'll need to know to genuinely appreciate this:

1. I was raised Mormon.
2. I am not now a practicing Mormon.
3. I am now a practicing Wiccan.
4. Points 2 and 3 above cannot coexist in Mormon dogma, nor do I have any interest in having them coexist.
   
5. I've been happily married for nearly 7 years.

So, the first thing is that "my" home teachers show up, out of the blue. It's not something I asked for, they just arrived. It's kind of my fault, since I buzzed them in without thinking. In my defense, I think I though the door buzzer was my wife asking me to let her in because her hands were full. Still, it was kind of a stupid thing to do.

I can only assume they showed up because I'm on the "inactive" list of the local ward, since I'm still on the rolls and haven't actually been to a Mormon service in well over 10 years. That makes me, in the eyes of the stake and full-time missionaries, a prime target. Why? Because, if they can get me active, it's assumed that I'll bring my wife along as well since I'm the head of the household and all.

They really don't know her very well, but that's another story that I won't go into here.

Anyway, they wanted to "deliver a message". I was polite, took the envelope, and politely told them that I wasn't really interested. And then, after they left, I reminded myself to never ever ever buzz someone into the condo stairwell without first making them identify themselves.

I flipped through the message, which was a photocopy of something from something called The Liahona (whatever that is; I thought the Church organ was The Ensign, but it has been a decade since I last bothered to look). It was written by someone called President Eyring and titled "Home for Christmas", and it drove home to me how much I've changed in the last decade.

The idea was to leverage Christmas to make me want to be "enveloped in the love and the Light of Christ", long for eternal love, pine for my eternal home, and come back to the Church. The questions they were supposed to hit me with to trigger this included

1. When you read the material under the heading "Longing for Eternal Love," do you feel within yourself the longing for your eternal home? Discuss together what you are doing to prepare to return to that home.

That's pretty much where it would have broken down, had I bothered to let them present the "lesson". I don't feel any particular longing for an eternal home. I like where I'm at. I conditionally[1] believe in reincarnation, so I'm not expecting to go to an "eternal home" when I die. I'll either come back for another go around, or I won't. But where I'm going isn't particularly important; it's where I am now and what I'm doing now that's important. So, obviously, I'm not doing anything to prep for that return. Instead, I'm working on being a good human being here and now.

The rest of the questions really, really depend on giving the "right" answer to that first question. So I won't even bother to transcribe them.

But wait! It gets better!

So I check my mail today, and I've got a slew of Christmas cards. One is from an address that's a little smudged, and that I don't recognize. When I open it, it's from another set of Mormons.

Specifically, from the "Single Adult Reps of the Cherry Grove Ward", inviting me to the monthly Single Adult activities.

Yeah, that's right. I've been married for seven and a half years, and the Mormons invite me to the Meat Market.

I just...

...well...

I mean...

What. The. Fuck?

I've got nothing here.

So, in closing, let me just suggest you have a look at The Advanced Bonewits' Cult Danger Evaluation Frame. Particularly if you choose to talk to those nice young men with an eye towards taking their religion seriously.

[1] I believe it to be true, but lack any genuine evidence. Ask me again after I'm dead, and I'll let you know.